I wonder if you know I love you? It took years for me to admit that I do. I fought it for so long, not realizing what I was fighting against was myself. To this day, I think about you, I replay my memories of you over and over again. Even though it hurts, I still do it, because if I let myself forget, I let myself not feel.
I miss you so much.
I wish I can go back in time and do things a little different. From the moment we met, I knew I liked you. I made the first move to kiss you. I ignored what my friends thought or said, because I knew what my truth was. I miss laying next to you. I miss the sound of your voice. I miss the scruff of your beard. I miss your confidence and how smart you are.
I hope you know I am proud of you. You are doing so well in your career, and I wish I could be there personally to cheer you on, and celebrate you.
I wish I called when your mom died. When I found out, my first instinct was that I wanted to be there for you, and reach out, but I was afraid.
It was always me holding back. I knew I liked you a lot from the moment I met you, and it scared me. You scared me. I was afraid to let you in, but I knew I wanted to. There is a piece of my heart that will always have you tattooed on it, never fading. I am still drawn to you, like I am waiting for you to come home. But there is nothing bringing you back, even though you tried before when I wanted to push you away.
There is an entire Drake album that reminds me of you, and it’s no wonder it’s my favorite album of his: If you are reading this it’s too late. We were able to experience it together, and I cherish that memory.
I’ve spent so many years grieving this lost love, that I have not allowed myself to love again. I compare everyone to you. You are a great man, and embody so many things I admire. Do I take notes and try to replicate, or do I run away and try to find something different? I don’t want to spend the rest of my life comparing everyone to you, because I don’t want to be the one to hurt someone else.
When my dad was in prison, I knew he was coming home. I could mentally countdown the months until we knew he would regain his freedom. I missed him more than anything, and as a child I would cry myself to sleep because I missed him so much, and my family dynamic did not allow for proper grief and emotional support at the time. But it was something the entire family was experiencing together, and I have two younger siblings, which comforted me in my sorrow.
But with you, my love for you, and subsequent grief for losing you, is a lonely battle.
I didn’t know I truly loved you until recently. I would tell myself I still liked you, or I missed you, or I really wanted to see you again. I didn’t understand that all the pain I was/am feeling is because I love you. I tried to diagnose what I was feeling, what I was going through. It finally clicked when I read that love can be painful, and that was what I was experiencing. When I finally allowed myself to say it and accept it, I cried. I was overwhelmed. How does one go years without realizing they are in love?
When you are afraid to be in love, that is what happens.
I was afraid that I loved you. It made me afraid of you. I didn’t want to say the wrong thing or get too close because I was afraid of losing you, but all it did was push you away.
Everytime we see each other, the memory stores itself away. They are so clear to me, and have yet to fade over time. I know I will see you again soon. It hurts that I’m not even sure if I will ever tell you how I feel.
I just hope I can now learn to love again. Love is beautiful, but it is also tragic.
Love,
Yasmin
